


thoughts of you

by aexta



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, High School AU, Teenage Stupidity, angst oh no, i am hurt, kinda based on a true story oops, pls forgive me, the messages are a mess, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 06:57:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11179461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aexta/pseuds/aexta
Summary: such a fool i amto feel things i shouldn'tfor you to still have a place in my heartthough you are not minenor have you ever beennor will you ever be





	thoughts of you

you have become a disgusting, revolting, and appalling being  
why did i ever take an interest in you?  
was i that blind?  
ah, yes. i probably was  
love makes a person blind, after all

————————

"Hey, I didn't know you liked Irene."

My body becomes rigid.

"How did you know that?"

Your friends' eyes dart from side to side, avoiding my gaze.

"Uh-uhh, right! Don't we have somewhere to go?" Solar garbles, elbowing Wheein.

"Right! We have to go somewhere. See you later, Seulgi!"

They turn around and walk away from me, but their bodies are shaking, probably trying to hold in their laughter.

I'm still frozen on the spot. I asked you to not tell anyone—no, I _begged_ for you not to tell anyone.

That was the only thing I asked for after making a fool out of myself. Don't you have any mercy?

————————

yes  
i did love you

————————

The first time I knew I liked you was on the second year we were classmates.

I've always known you were beautiful—your face is unmatched, not even those celebrities and models can compare.

As if you were a goddess that came down from heaven to bless us poor mortals here on the ground.

You were seated along my line of sight, in front of me and a little to the left, near the screen.

Before looking back to our teacher, my eyes would linger on you for a bit.

I didn't think much of it then, reasoning that something so beautiful cannot be overlooked.

However, I knew for sure that I liked you when our seating arrangement was changed and you were positioned near the door.

There was no reason for me to look in your direction, but I somehow still did.

————————

so much, it was gruelling  
it was such a huge weight;  
to constantly have thoughts about you—are you fine? have you eaten? are you asleep? are you tired? do you need help? are you happy?  
a bother  
to have you constantly barging in my head, as if you were the ever present pain i feel on my shoulders  
to have you in my dreams, as if you were there to turn them into nightmares  
to have you in my heart, as if you were there to ruin me from the inside, making me weak and helpless against you

————————

Then it blew up.

My first and last thought of the day would be of you.

Were you already awake? What would you be wearing today? What were you doing? What did you have for breakfast? Were you already at school? What will you have for lunch? What time would you go home? Were you already home? What would you dream of?

All my thoughts would always lead back to you—even if it was morning, noon, or evening.

But it doesn't stop there.

At night, I would dream of you.

There are times when they are vague—blurry images of your smile, faint sounds of your laughter, and even a ghostly touch on my shoulder.

Then there are times when they are vivid—a dream of our first date, bursting with color and brightness. Your lips on mine, that when I'd awaken, my hands would reach out just to pull you back, only to find myself grasping at nothing.

But there was also darkness—you rejecting me, and this was the dream, no—the nightmare that I'd always have the most.

Still, when you smile at me, all that gloom vanishes.

————————

pathetic

————————

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: Happy Valentine's Day, Irene!

Bae Irene: Happy Valentines too! Who's this? ;)

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: Did you find anything in your locker earlier?

Or wasn't there any??

Bae Irene: Who's this??

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: I'm sorry, I can't tell you who I am. Not yet.

Bae Irene: Seulgi?  
I saw a box in my locker but i didn't think it was mine so yeah didn't mind it... You're seulgi, i kinda noticed you and joy earlier..

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: Did you read what's inside?

WENDY OH MY FREAKING GOD

Bae Irene: Yes... You're wendy????  
  
+82 10 XXXX XXXX: If you read what's inside, you think I'm Wendy or Seulgi, whoever they are?

That's for you.

Bae Irene: Seulgi??

Please, it's so weird just tell me who you are.....

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: You think Seulgi likes girls?  
  
Bae Irene: Maybe???

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: Well, idk. Ask her.

Bae Irene: Ha so you're wendy  
  
+82 10 XXXX XXXX: No. I'm not your classmate.

Besides, you think Wendy likes girls? That's crazy.

Bae Irene: What of course she doesn't. Pls stop already i don't like it

It's impossible that you're not my classmate... Hah pls

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: Who's with you there? Can I call you?

Bae Irene: No just text me pls

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: But what I'm going to say is long and it'd probably take long if i typed it.

Bae Irene: Pls just text me

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: Okay then.

the first time i saw you was during our last year in middle school. never have i thought that it would come to this point. i planned on telling you after our hs graduation. but because of a stupid mistake, here i am now. i've a feeling you're disgusted by gay or bisexual people, even though you're mostly surrounded by them. or maybe they haven't told you. idk. anyways, forgive me.

if you've ever experienced what i'm feeling, then you could understand, but i've no idea if you do. this feeling i feel, i don't know what to name it. it could just be a mere crush or infatuation or maybe even love. idk. you're the first person who made me feel this, so i don't have any comparison.

though this might sound cliche, everytime i see you, everything just changes. suddenly. as if someone's messed with my brain. i do things that i normally won't do, like this. i've never thought i'd actually do this. i thought i still had years to prepare for this.

Bae Irene: This is my first time to receive something like this.. So who are you first? It's ok, i bet most people in our school really do have those feelings.. But i'm not the type that's up for it and likes it.. Up to friends will be ok, not more than that, sorry

+82 10 XXXX XXXX: i might sound creepy, but i really can't help it. these are the things one would do if they're experiencing this feeling. it's just that whenever i see you smile, i can't help but smile too, as if i were a drunk person. no day would pass without a thought of you. everytime i see you, it's like i'm skydiving because of how my stomach feels. whenever you talk to me (which are rare times) i put on my poker face just so that my emotions won't show.

i understand.

it's fine if you won't be friends with me.

Bae Irene: So you're seulgi right? I get what you're feeling. It's just not what i like experiencing or feeling really... I don't like being involved in these things :( That's why i avoid it. Sorryy

Kang Seulgi: yes irene. you're right. i'm sorry. i didn't intend for me to have these feelings for you. it just happened.

i'm sorry for pissing you off. i hope you understand.

but please. please dont tell anyone about this. laugh at me, ignore me, do whatever you want, just please don't tell anyone. i'm not tough, and i don't think i can take what happens after this. though i can imagine the awkwardness -or maybe it won't happen- during group activities lol :D

Bae Irene: It's ok.. I wont say anything. Byee and sorryy

Its ok hehe friends will be hehe friends only.. get a guy its better not girls pls :(:( haha  
no don't say sorry. it's not your fault.

Kang Seulgi: yeah i was thinking about that too ahaha

i guess i just had to get that out of my chest. thank you for rejecting me :)

no sarcasm intended

Bae Irene: lol haha anyways that was brave of you (hehe) you'll find a guy for sure hehe. Friends only. Night! ^^

Kang Seulgi: goodnight! :) thank you. oh wait one last thing, during the activity, forget everything i've told you today. just during the activity. :)

Bae Irene: what do you mean? during the activity?  
  
Kang Seulgi: uhmm... would you like to be surprised or no?

Bae Irene: No haha

Oh did you pick me for the letter :(:(

Kang Seulgi: imagine how hard it was for me to write it. sorry :(

Bae Irene: wow hahah

Kang Seulgi: yeah just forget what i told you tonight for that time. i almost cried when i picked you since i really didn't know what to write. it's a crappy letter. you could throw it if you want.

anyways, goodnight! :D sorry for spoiling you hehe

————————

and to think you haven't left without leaving something behind  
weakness and helplessness—why do i still feel these when it comes to you?  
though lessened, it's brought along others  
anger? annoyance? jealousy? envy?

————————

  
It's our fourth and last year as classmates.

It's really funny, the way the universe works. It's like nothing changes—you're still the class leader, and I'm still that girl that lights up the class. We interact somewhat normally now. I can finally look you in the eyes again.

But that doesn't mean I still don't die a little inside.

You're entering the room now, a smile on your face.

The corner of my lips turn up into a small smile of my own.

I look at where you're looking.

There's a mason jar on your desk, filled with chocolates and handwritten letters.

I turn my head and look out through the window, my nails marking my palms with crescents.

Something did change, I just didn't notice it.

————————

absolutely ridiculous!  
utterly unbelievable!  
i must hate you! i must detest you!  
you, who ruined me, dare to laugh in front of my face?  
unforgivable!

————————

She wraps an arm around your shoulders, smiling joyously, knowing that you are hers.

What happened to what you told me? Find a guy? As if there are any guys in this all-girls school! What am I, an unfeeling adolescent who's supoosed to wait until what, college? To find love? To get over you?

Yet, there you are, laughing in the arms of a girl!

You hypocrite!

————————

I feel a hand on my shoulder, stopping me just by the exit of the hall.

"You know, I actually felt something for you after you confessed to me. I started noticing you."

I stay still, then there you are in front of me, holding onto your diploma.

You're still as beautiful yet somehow more radiant than the first time I laid my eyes on you.

"And I saw it—how I hurt you. You still smile, but the brightness faded."

You take one step closer.

"I'm sorry, Seulgi. Everything happened at the wrong time. We were never meant for each other, but what happened was meant to be. I was meant to be your first love, and you were meant to teach me that love has no restrictions. Love is love."

A tear trails down my cheek, and I see you hesitate before wiping it away.

"I'm happy with her now. Thank you."

You take a step back.

"Someday, I hope you'll find the one for you. No, I know you will."

I try to speak, but no words come out.

"Goodbye, Seulgi."

You walk away, to that one person who is meant for you.

My feet start moving, taking steps in a direction that does not lead to you.

"Goodbye, Irene."

————————

yet  
and yet  
ah, how sad.  
when i see your face,  
when i see your face... it all crumbles  
all the anger, the annoyance, the jealousy, the envy; it all fades  
and in their stead, i feel stupidity  
such a fool i am  
to feel things i shouldn't  
for you to still have a place in my heart  
though you are not mine  
nor have you ever been  
nor will you ever be

**Author's Note:**

> and that, my friends, is the tragedy that is life. idk why, but i suddenly just had to write this. digging up those old text messages made me cringe and brought back old pains but ehh (and ohmygod i really sent a wrong message hah im dyin). the title of this one shot is originally the title of the poem i wrote separately, but decided to use for this story.
> 
> anyways, thank you for reading!!
> 
> (btw this is also posted in aff! i'm posting some of my stories from there to here hah)


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